Path of loneliness

Posted on May 21, 2006 by clay

Not sure why i pick this title 

I guess i got it from somewhere ….

Something that i don’t understand and yah… write here if somebody could provide with good feedback 

Somehow the whole situation have bring me to this state where i thought perhaps i’m going to be a lone ranger for the rest of life??

See people like Hans Christian Andersen, CS Lewis, John Stott, (one more guy i forgot his name)….share this at least one thing common, deep thinker as well as ‘dreamers’

Second is somehow i couldn’t overcome my withdrawal mood that i much enjoy being alone rather than in midst of people. I don’t know if any cure for this….To make things worse is i feel perfectly fine and ok with being alone and doing things alone. In fact with more people is more confusing and at times i don’t understand what is the other person trying to do.

Thirdly seems that a lot of miscommunications discourages both myself and other party. Talking at different wavelength or not catching other people’s jokes and intention…

Really don’t know…:$ With the many things at hands and all the business…actually the more i indulge in private life…

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Scattered Brain and messy week

Posted on May 21, 2006 by clay

It’s both good and bad things to have scattered brain. Good that i can absorb information all around but bad when i need to present something in systematical and simple way coz everything is all over the place

That’s how it’ll be if i tried to write all things happened in the past weeks.

It’s the most crazy week for this year so far. I thought I won’t survive this week. Many prayers to God to help me pass through it. And now seems i almost pass over this week.

Went for my US visa interview, preparing and leading Bible Study (quite last-minute preparation), Preliminary Theological exam on the book of Acts (didn’t manage to finish my study on whole book of Acts), giving talk to children from Psalm 77 (this morning)…With average of sleeping hours down from regular 6.5 hr to about 5 hr (4 hours of sleep on Fri & Sat….)

There’re still many things at hand  But thank God the major things have been completed….and I’m glad that i chose to walk by faith and not sight. Initially thought wise to back to my comfort zone and just let some things pass my hands. On the other side, thought if i should walk by faith, all these things i need to take based on trusting that God is leading and what i desire….how much God can do through me

So glory be to God

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Mother’s Day reading

Posted on May 16, 2006 by clay

I know it’s over already

Just read on somebody’s way of celebrating Mother’s Day…more than that actually she brought her mum for holiday to Sydney.

So thinking about this upcoming visit to US, … suddenly i thought of many things…of doing something i wasn’t able to do recently (bringing her for cruise), however this time i don’t have the money….is that all? do i need money before i can bring someone happiness?

and if sis could make it along…this time will be me taking care my mum and my sis…in some sense its double honor. i don’t know how it’s going at the end….yet i remember what my dad told me long time ago…before u can take care of ur own wife….u should take care ur own family members…

if this’ the case, then Lord, please grant me this trip….

to care my own family…and to bring something mum hasn’t had so far…a good holiday

initially was quite if not very hesitant to make this trip….now was praying and doing almost all i could for it to happen….and yet i believe this is  not the most important trip in my life

I’ve yet to make my “destiny” trip…a journey to be more accurate

in the hand’s of Almighty? if only my emotion and feeling remains at high notes most the time…

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Book of Acts & Paul the apostle

Posted on May 11, 2006 by clay

I never know that a journal (records of somebody’s life + journeys) + maps could have such impact on me.

Have never studied the book of Acts in this way before. When i’ve all the maps of Paul’s 1st, 2nd, & 3rd journey, the activities that he did on those places, and the letters he wrote … i pictured the man.

A person that used by God as His instrument. To cross the miles, to bear the cross, and to suffer all kinds of trials. I wonder if there’s still such man around today. I wonder if God still uses anybody such as that today. I wonder if I won’t be same again.

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i want go home

Posted on May 5, 2006 by clay

Last nite went home really late…

my colleagues was talking if today my first time stayed up so late …

well, i’ve good reasons to do that … (hmm, too long to be told here)

but yah, so went home, catch idol announcement…then slept…

morning woke up, with my body aching…at my breakfast, waited for the rain to stop, and went to see doctor…there waited for 8 indian workers doing some checkup, and i read a book God can be trusted. So got my MC for today, went to city to pick up my visa today.

After all these, went back to office, continue with the work i left last nite. Reported my boss that i’m on MC today, she told me i can go home anytime. She told me that what i did maybe wrong, so i checked with the person in charge, he’s away on meeting…so checked with another lady that i met during training….thank God for His mercy…normally am not social person to know other ppl….so she helped me and good that what i did is right.

Another email came, past project, customer was not happy, i need to give advice on improvement. Asked another more expert, and just came back his reply….perhaps 1/2 day to digest and analysis before i can commit a time.

The pain was increasing (i didn’t take the medicine)…my whole body and my joints were aching….all the things that keep coming…the call, the people, the things that need me, and things i need to do…

Elliot’s song came to me, and how i wanna sing it loud…..I want go home…..homeeeeee…..i want go home…….i want go home

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From bad to worse

Posted on May 4, 2006 by clay

things didn’t seem to go better,

at work is becoming more crazy…just now 4 ppl were looking for me, and when about time to off, major problem came…so stayed back till now, supporting a friend and big production. Partly was my fault also for not doing the testing thoroughly…who’s done anyway?

health is getting worse as well. With lesser exercise, lesser sleep, and more works…

spiritually about the same i think. Since the past week had been making so many mistakes. Saying things shouldn’t say and forgot to say things need to say. Had been really bad on my own evaluation. All the bad temperaments came up like becoming exclusive and anti-social, violating my own principles and become short tempered, easily finding fault and speak unlovingly.

Oh, what kind person am i?

Just now, this thing i asked myself….so what? Didn’t i the one said wanna to live by faith and not by sight? So what if things doesn’t seem good? Walk by faith…that’s i know what i’m doing…and i do bcs i have believed. If things seems go to worse? Didn’t i not walking by sight? Not only that, didn’t i said let the Lord lead? And what if it’s the Lord’s will to go through all these things? When recently life been quite calm and peaceful, didn’t i dread what might come? What kind of storm might come after this?

If this is the storm, Lord…sometimes i like that joke saying “i know you won’t test me more than what i can bear, but i hope you don’t trust me that much”….but i know that He knows. And this is what i know. I want to know His power in weakness and suffering. I want to know how His power is made perfect in my brokeness. I want to know what grace it is to supply all my needs in times of trials. I want to know the magnitude of His love … that none can dissipate. O, dare i?? Lord, u know me, and u know what i am. Don’t test me more than what i can bear.

 

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Why me?

Posted on March 28, 2006 by clay

So far i had not asked this question before. I thought all that happened is already predestined by God. Hence what’s the point of asking the question? It won’t change anything. Although i find some people still ask: “Why me?”

It’s quite something then when today i asked the question: “Why me?” It is because my boss assigned me a project, which i think, i’m the worst person to do. Out of all her employees, she shouldn’t pick me for this work. There’re many others who are better. So, why me? 

The illogical and unreasonableness of it quite frustrates me. I think now i quite understand the emotion…when someone asks: “Why me?” And actually what i’ve been pondering for month came afresh – Domino Dirige Mihi.

I’ve declared that God is my dirigen, hence even my boss give me unreasonable assignment….still i could say: “Domino Dirige Mihi”.

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One thing about love – it is beautiful

Posted on March 27, 2006 by clay

This evening i came back from a short exposition on 1 Peter 3 : 18 – 22. One of the most difficult and controversial portion on the New Testament if not Bible. As i was alone on my way back, thinking and praying abt my family (mother & sister far away)….my mind rolled back to the prayers i said, to the dreams i had, and to the words i silently swore…

What is one thing do i believe about Love? If someone asked me, how do I define Love in one word. I know i can’t put it in one word. It’s just too big to be define with single word. But at least one thing that i know about Love, it is beautiful. Yes, Love is beautiful.

However, it’s not beautiful as most people will understand beauty. I understand it as stretchable. Love is beautiful because it’s strechable. And it’s one of the measures of a true love. Love that is not strechable is not true love. But love that can be stretch, strech, and strech….that is love. So i ask myself, how far do i think that my love can be strecth? How far am i willing to be strecth? What’s my limit? Can i say there’s no limit to my love being stretched??

And i remembered what Jesus did 2000 years ago in Golgotha. He strecthed his arms and hung on the cross for my sins. He bore the pain and endured the cross, because of Love. If i would ask Him how far would He strecth His love…He would answer me, “till the end“.

That’s the picture of Love to me. It is a painful picture. And yet, it shows me that Love is beautiful. For it triumphs over cruelty, mockery, pain, evil, unjustice, and sins. And coming to understand 1 Peter 3 : 19 – 22 what makes me to see how beautiful Love is. That because Jesus endured the cross (He didn’t give up half way, He remained there though He could came down, He persevered till the end) that many people could be saved from eternal pain and destruction. What a glory and beauty that.

Rightly the Bible puts it that out of these 3 that remain: Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest is Love.

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After those hard times

Posted on March 23, 2006 by clay

🙂

Just realized it’s almost 2 weeks i haven’t written anything in my blog. Seems, indeed life has been very busy these 2 weeks. At work, with the new colleague, one under my mentorship, and the other one is taking over my project…so…consuming my own working time.

At church the group is growing. I thank God for this. Hmm, yah…good thing, but also more things..

The weekends were also busy with meetings (committee kind as well as individuals)…made me wanting so much to just being alone.

Last nite Andrew sang the song i sang when i left Indonesia 8 years ago. Taken from Psalm 23. I remember the ending, “eventhough i shall walk through the valley of shadow of death, i shall fear no evil, because You are with me. I shall not fear to step forward”. =)

Yah, i remembered singing it with my cousin. I went to UK, and he went to Australia. We sang that song, and we trully meant it. Because God is our Shepherd, we go on . It reminded me of God’s faithfulness. From that day, there have been so many things, and I can testify, that not a single moment, not a single, God has abandoned me. In all trials, He’s always there. He has not fail to keep all His promises. Thank You Lord.

So yah  Now i’ve renewed strength and courage to face this year, to face tomorrow, and to face now 

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It’s called today

Posted on March 10, 2006 by clay

Work is very much busy this week…

Working on something that is new and nobody in office really know…

Have been struggling everyday to master this new old things…hehe..

Quite enjoying the learning, however it’s tiring as well…

And life still goes on…

Can only say because the Lord’s love i’m not consumed…

One long prayers have been answered, bu susi is recovering….thank God so much

Another prayer of interview of friend went well…thank You Lord

Good news from friend overseas …thank You Lord

And this morning, beginning of office fellowship….

Many other small things day to day…that keep me going…cheering up my spirit. Thank You O Lord..for making everyday bearable…

small joy everyday, little surprises everyday, and strength to make it day to day….

When burden increases, grace more abundant

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